Hot Singles In Your Area Just Wanna Have Fun

Features  /  by Henry Golub '18  /  February 17, 2017

On the Ides of March of 44 BCE, Julius Caesar strolled casually before the Roman Senate. Things had been going quite smoothly for the so-recently declared dictator—he had kick-started France’s habit of getting conquered, had vanquished his bigliest political rivals, and had even named a salad after himself.

Twenty-three stab wounds later, though, Caesar realized he had goofed big time. Despite his superficial glamour, the Dictator had actually alienated the people around him, and they, in turn, alienated him. Tradition holds that just prior to dying, Caesar said, “I call my own shots, largely based on an accumulation of data, and everyone knows it. Any negative polls are fake news, just like the CNN, ABC, NBC polls in the election. Et tu Brutus?” He felt very lonely.

Two millennia later, some people feel a similar sense of isolation. And, contrary to popular belief, many of these people actually count themselves among the finer-looking elements of society. You may have viewed pictures of them next to sketchy online articles or found emails from them in your spam folder. You may have even seen them in person. Yes, that is correct, hot singles in YOUR area are lonely and looking for attention.

Or so I thought...

From the newspaper President Trump has called “Bad!” and “FAKE NEWS!” comes a shocking revelation about Features Editor Yiannis Vandris ’17.

In the wake of the destructive Bowling Green Massacre, I was surprised to learn just how many hot singles we had left. According to one advertisement, there were “many” within New Jersey alone. According to another, a “Snooki” of them resided on the Jersey Shore.

But why were hot singles taking to the Internet in such force?

Hoping to meet up with one of them (for an interview, I promise), I searched “hot singles near me” on Google. The first website prompted me to wire $3,000 over to an Estonian bank account. I did so using Lawrence funds. Then, I scheduled an appointment at a dark alley outside of school. This was an opportunity I could not miss.

No one ever appeared, though. At the time, I figured that their loneliness must have made the hot singles too nervous to show. Features Editor Yiannis Vandris lent me his advice:

“First and foremost, send over more money. Hot singles love that.”

“Secondly,” he declared, now with a Brooklyn accent, “you gotta give them ya credit card numbah.”

“And lastly,” he said, putting on a gold chain, “stop investigatin’, kid.”

Something was amiss. Why would Yiannis turn his back on such an intriguing story? Why would he abandon so many hot singles in OUR area?

My first clue came from Yiannis’ computer. While speaking with him, I managed to catch a glimpse of an email with the Arabic number for 3,000 written next to a bunch of Estonian words. Had Yiannis cheated me out of The Lawrence’s $3,000? The email, however, was not enough to implicate Vandris given the School’s vast Estonian population.

I found my second clue in the unpublished Lawrence archives. Fortunately, the Heely Scholars had just finished a project concerning “formerly” hot singles, and they supplied me with relevant materials.

Looking through them, I discovered that I was not the first writer to pursue the hot single enigma. In fact, about 20 writers before me had compiled investigations raising similar questions, but they also all proposed a horrifying answer: Features Editors had been running a fraudulent escort ring for decades.

I typed up a report and confronted Vandris. He was not pleased.

“I will never publish your article,” he snarled.

But he did publish my article..

So, now you know that President Vandris has shady business interests. You also know that this is not the first instance of his cheating others (Vandris University comes to mind).

“What can I do?” you ask yourself. Well, you can wait out the rest of his term, I guess.

*This report was financed by Never Vandris 2016