IrwIn Unveils Brand New Menu
Features / / February 10, 2017
Nothing better to start off your day than some eggs, scrambled (just like last night’s reading in your head), slapped between two slices of ham—one for each of the double periods you have to sit through this morning, not knowing a single thing about the class you have been taking for two terms now. All stuffed in an imported French croissant because Wonder Bread isn’t diverse enough for us!
Tater tots/Hash browns/Home Fries, etc.
Pretty much some variation of potatoes to match your bland, starchy self, because you, good sir, have the personality of a potato. Sorry to break it to you, but even you have to admit that you cannot hold a conversation for more than 40 seconds. You are a trend follower and are too scared to ruin your social image. What does that add up to? A potato. But like the salt on those taters, you are salty about everything. So I’ll give you that. *insert Bitmoji here*
A variety of cereals, because at Lawrenceville, we are pro-choice. Don’t worry, we still have Raisin Bran, because apparently some of you decide to show how grown up you are by eating fibrous, shriveled grape cereal intended for constipated, 80 year olds. We’ll even let you eat your life away with Lucky Charms. Sustainable Fare, indeed.
“Viande étrange entre deux pains” (strange meat between two breads)
All you really want is a simple BLT, but instead, we’ll make you some fancy ethnic sandwich, probably “Ham and Apple Brioche” or “Kung Pao Hero.” You’ll then go to the same table you sit at with the same people and take two bites before throwing it away! But hey, it’s okay, because these sandwiches match your sophisticated, pretentious personality that you put on to cover up your bare basic character! Is there a reason why we go through a whole vat of Nutella each lunch but most of our fancy sandwiches end up in the compost? Now go, young one, take your Ham and Apple Butter sandwich and nibble at it before going to get some Nutella on toast. Keep that head held high!
An Irwin delicacy that reappears each week to remind you that you are a subject to the authoritarian student government run by the Greeks!
Never make your own fresh pasta again! Why, you ask? Because entrusting our students to awkwardly wait in line so they can shovel cold pasta into a strainer to hold in lukewarm water and make small talk with the person across from them as their pasta miraculously heats up a solid two degrees – that’s a tad bit too intimate for us. Save that scandalous pasta bar conversation for parietals.
Trump wants to build a wall between Mexico. How offensive – no more tacos for us Americans?! Protest and show your multicultural support by making your own tacos. Eat our freshly-made, organic, homegrown liberal propaganda! Now with Latino classics such as jasmine rice and Perdue chicken.
Plus, look at you! You’ll be saving Daddy’s money from being spent at your local pizza place (like it has been for the past two years). It’s pretty much community service. Give this person their 40-hour graduation requirement!
Ah, as the winter gets colder, the days longer, the stress levels higher, there is nothing better than relying on the fact that at precisely 5:53 PM when you make it to the Irwin Dining Center, there will be a tray of rice waiting for you. You need something to ground your wild mind...why not it be rice? My personal favorite is when it is as yellow as the shirts of the RCI’s! Others prefer when it’s seasoned, slightly oranged, just like everyone’s favorite president whose name has almost never been mentioned at Lawrenceville.
We at Lawrenceville value our diversity, and try to offer food from all different regions. Somehow we know how to perfect an Rwandan fijata, but we never learned how to cook basic noodles. But if we can’t make good carry-out, we hope you can! (Not available to freshman.)